Not my usual type of blog post but I’ve always said I would try to be more open and honest with my feelings, not everything is picture-perfect or how it may come across on social media, this isn’t a positive post and is a brain dump of emotions.

In true Steven Bartlet fashion…

“I hope nobody is listening but if you are then please keep this to yourself”

I’ve felt like a little lost soul recently if I’m being honest, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions I can’t seem to get my head straight. Those close to me will know last year was a very tricky year in my personal life and health. We didn’t seem to catch a break. I have been putting all my energy into family and my Press on nail business that come Christmas I just crashed.

January came the fresh new year and all that and bam we caught Covid. Now, my main worst fear is germs and illness and those around me being unwell, so you can imagine how I felt when the whole world was one big giant germ!

During the whole pandemic, I was anxious every time we left the house, it was the fear of the unknown. We didn’t have a clue how Covid would affect us personally and with all the scaremongering on TV it was hard. I also opted to not have the jab, controversial I know….it was a double-ended sword, scared to get covid but then scared to get “protected” from covid.

So, when we caught it in January it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, we were all ok. I’m so blessed and grateful that it wasn’t as bad for us as others had experienced. I felt a huge sense of freedom, the thing I had feared the most had been watered down. I’m aware we can get it again, but I hope you know what I’m saying and im coming across ok.

After covid I’m feeling great, we can go out and not stress as much, nails are going well and I start dressing up more for evenings out with the girls, then all my past weight and self-love issues get surfaced coming back bigger and stronger and the worst they have ever been. Having photos with friends I would normally post and share them; I couldn’t even stand to look at them putting a negative taint on the night

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Lockdown we were all in comfy clothes all the time, very little effort was made, routines were thrown out the window, and life felt like it came to a standstill. I am one of the weird ones who loved just being in our bubble, but makeup was not essential and “going out” clothes were put to the back of the wardrobe, comfy baggy clothes were life.

I’ve always loved the whole self-love curvy community and stand on social media, I just have never been able to embrace self-love with myself. I see other women who are curvy plus size and think they look beautiful but on myself I can embrace it, I went through a phase of just love and appreciate the body your in, but in reality, my body causes me a lot of pain and discomfort daily then when I look in the mirror it’s not like I’m happy with what I see back at me.

I don’t know If I’m coming across the right way.

I don’t love my body

So, if I don’t love myself how can anyone else. That is basically it in black and white.

For over 8 weeks now I have been working hard to get my weight and health better but doing this has made my internal health even worse the more I move the more I have complications. So I’ve been really sticking at a Calorie deficit and trying to take it very easy movement-wise. I’m very slowly losing weight.

You may remember I was counting calories back last year doing really well but then ended up putting myself in hospital for nearly a week from complications. Hopefully doing this long term as slow as it is it will make me feel better in myself, mentally and psychically.

Slow and Steady wins the race and all that.

So everything has stopped, I haven’t been working pretty much at all, I’ve been literally focusing on this new change of lifestyle, the kids always and trying to change this mindset and downward spiral I’ve been in. It’s helped having dad with his new pup around, definitely a distraction.

We have planned some lovely trips away, in the UK as I can’t trust my body to allow me to go anywhere else yet. I’ve got the mindset now, If im going to be poorly, doesn’t matter if I’m at home or by the coast just live and take each day at a time, literally every hour at a time and pack every essential.

I will get there; I will get out of this funk of just wanting to sleep all the time but then feeling there aren’t enough hours in the day and hating how unproductive I’ve been.

As I’m uploading this my health’s taken bad again which has knocked me with having to cancel work and plans, I will push through this!

Just bear with guys, I appreciate everyone who has noticed the silence and has messaged, I appreciate all my Nail girls for being so patient and understanding with me and to brands and blogging commitments for again being understanding.

Hope to be back to myself soon, but for now, if your feeling like me, know your not alone.

Saff XO